The Worst Feeling I’ve Had as A Parent, But Worse
Waiting room; anxious feet; reading Quran to ease my nerves. There I waited for an hour or so, which, actually, did not feel like an eternity — sorry not sorry clichés.
Indeed, it felt so short that I was surprised when they called my name. Unwittingly, I sprung from my seat to meet their call. There I stood in this vestibule with two nurses, a little girl, and some infant they were carrying. I looked at them and they looked back at me. A couple of seconds passed as I waited for them to explain why they called me, but on their side they were debating whether I was the most clueless or the most emotionless parent ever.
This rando infant was my daughter. What?!
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Of course I had waited for this for 9 months, but, you know, I wasn’t one of those parents who couldn’t wait to hold their baby. Honestly I feel like I never realized what was happening to my life until that moment. Until I got to hold her in my arms. Until I felt her in my embrace; calm, comfortable, and much to her mother’s pleasure, sticking out her tongue like a rad baby when I took her first ever picture.
The nurses took her back to make sure she didn’t need any extra medical attention. As for myself, I rushed upstairs to my family who were waiting in our room to tell them the good news. “Why are you so nervous? Relax, everything’s okay.” they said. But I didn’t feel nervous, nor did I feel scared. In fact, I think that was excitement in a way I’ve never felt before.
The first few weeks as new parents were tough, but my parents were there from day one, so we had the support we needed. Unfortunately though, I could only get a week off from work to help out my wife, yet it was going back to work that actually felt like going on vacation compared to the first week with a newborn.
Within the first couple of weeks all our close family and friends had seen her. She had brought together family members like never before since my wedding.
But amidst all these joyful moments, there were many other moments where my heart was twisting in pain unlike anything I’ve experienced in my life. I wouldn’t call myself exactly rich, but buying her what she needed was not a problem. Getting supplies, going to different doctors, all of that was affordable. But what she needed wasn’t money.
Despite reading and watching lots of parenting videos, my wife and I felt clueless. I still remember my first call to her pediatrician. It was midnight of our second night at home, and we had never actually reached out to her before. But she was so nice and helpful that it took me back a bit.
I called her because, for the second night in a row, my wife and I could barely feed our daughter. We wanted to go natural without bottles, without formula, and it was almost impossible getting her to breastfeed. My wife had made a note of it, but doctor’s orders prevented her from breastfeeding in the golden hour, which definitely didn’t help.
Our first few nights at home were just as difficult as the night with her at the hospital. We could easily get her to sleep, but when she was awake and hungry it was heart-wrenching.
A wailing baby, a tired mother, a clueless father, and a breast pump that doesn’t seem to work.
We decided to get another pump.
A tired father, an exhausted mother, a functioning breast pump, and a newborn that felt warm to the touch.
Back to the hospital we go.
Her bilirubin levels had gone up. Directly after birth, they were in the normal range, but she wasn’t fed properly, of that we were now certain. Her jaundice was not yet critical, but without a significant improvement in her feeding, she’ll have to be placed in an incubator. We were warned, we were humbled, we were absolutely shattered
At this point, we had given up on breastfeeding, but not yet given in to formula.
With the incubator scenario in sight, we doubled down on our efforts to get her to eat enough, that is the only way she could get better without an incubator. The doctor recommended feeding every two hours at least, but jaundice makes a baby sleepy. For the case of my daughter, it took us between 20 to 40 minutes just to get her awake enough to feed.
Having a child is difficult, I’ve been told, but that first week was the absolute hardest thing I’ve had to go through. Even after a visit to the lactation specialist, my daughter was still not able to breastfeed, and even bottle feeding barely worked. But then we had to worry about having the milk to pump in the first place.
My bone-tired wife was drained from birth. The pain and hormones make it difficult for her to eat well, which is essential for milk supply.
We had to consult with a number of doctors, try a bunch of different foods, experiment with a couple of breast pumps, and embark on multiple endeavors to get my daughter to breastfeed.
The journey was exhausting and funny, it was sweet and devastating. It took everything we had to bear her cries, and sooth her until a meal was ready. That feeling right there, not knowing where my daughter’s next meal will come from, that broke me. The journey was tough, but eventually, we were there. Past the danger zone and on to safe shores. “Bye bye bilirubin, jaundice to know you”
Horrible pun, I know, and it doesn’t even really work, does it?
That was about 10 months ago though. So why am I remembering this vividly now?
Because I see in the news, thousands of malnourished pregnant or breastfeeding women, and infants that don’t get anywhere near the two-hour feedings they need. A horrible famine at a devastating scale, and worst of all, it is 100% man-made. Famine imposed by one government, and protected by another. A famine which can very easily be cured if only one decision is reversed.
I’m speaking of Gaza, Palestine, which is home to around 50,000 pregnant women, as per a UN report. Due to Israel-imposed siege and relentless bombing and destruction, 40% of those pregnancies now have a high-risk of complications. We’re talking about 20,000 pregnancies which may end up in death or permanent damage to the mother complicating future pregnancies.
That comes to no surprise when you learn of the severe nature of this famine. Euro-Med reported in December that over 71% of Palestinians in Gaza suffer from acute hunger, and almost the whole population (98%) do not have enough to eat. Today these numbers could only get worse.
Think of the children. The starving Palestinian population in Gaza includes 68,000 lactating women, which increase by a daily rate of 180 women giving birth that are added to the group of helpless mothers. Just like my wife? No, far worse.
Bear in mind I could provide my wife any type of food she wanted, give her comfort, allow her rest and relaxation, get her any breast pump, make an appointment for a lactation specialist, fetch my daughter any bottle, or give in and go buy formula.
I had access to all of that, and it was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live through a worse feeling.
Braving through it for a week took its toll on me. I can’t imagine what strength it takes to survive months through worse.
I could say they’re my heroes, but they don’t feel like heroes.
They’re human.
They’re in pain.
They’re hungry.
They’re innocent, only guilty of being Palestinian.
I say this a lot, the world should have come to a halt to stop this madness, but it didn’t.
It didn’t when Israel murdered one thousand children, and it didn’t when Israel took its toll to twelve thousand children.
I lost hope in the world, but I haven’t lost hope in you.
As parents, or future parents, you understand the gravity of this situation. You lived through my story. I know you can relate to it, or at least imagine what your life would have been like had your story been more similar to mine.
I’m certain you can imagine how tens of thousands of Palestinian mothers and fathers feel right now, not knowing where their next meal will come from, and feeling helpless towards their children’s hungry cries.
They rush towards the odd aid truck that comes their way, or flee towards an aid air drop. Did you know Israeli forces shot and killed Palestinians at aid deliveries in multiple incidents? Yet Palestinians still go. They do this knowing full well they will probably get barely enough for a couple of days at best, or at worst, they will get shot at like those before them. But they have no other options.
The situation is dire. But right now, you can help make a difference, even if it’s a drop in the ocean.
You can donate to your preferred platform.
Help give food to the children of Gaza in hard-to-reach places.
https://www.savethechildren.org/us/where-we-work/west-bank-gaza
Or support UNRWA after much of the Western world turned its back on them.
https://donate.unrwa.org/gaza/~my-donation
You can even help deliver feminine hygiene kits for Palestinian women in Gaza.
https://piousprojects.org/campaign/2712
Or connect Palestinians to the world after Israel cut off communications. This is urgent for emergency communications and so they can share their stories with us.
I invite you to learn more about the Palestinian cause and educate yourself with their struggle.
https://decolonizepalestine.com/
And please, call for a ceasefire and pressure your representatives to end this madness.
Do not stay silent as Israel slays Palestinians.
Donate. Spread the word. Hold the hope. Save their lives.
